Men’s Toilet Etiquette 

What is the protocol of a urinal

When there are only three

Do I pee in the middle one

Or do I choose the far left 

Or take the far right option

When every other one is taken

Do I try to squeeze in between

At the danger of nudging another 

Creating an unwanted scene

And what is it with blokes with belts

Who proceed to fully undo them

Is it so large that they need the space

To position their massive manhood in place

Well all I know I’m tell you now

For them to finally finish

Do up their belt and leave the WC

It takes a bloody eternity

No good when you’re busting to go

When stood patiently crossed legged in the queue

Now there’s another bugbear of mine

When you get a multi-tasker

Able to hold Percy in one hand

While texting on the phone with the other

How do they do it, I just don’t know

If it were me I’m sure I’d lose control

And miss the porcelain and dribble on my toe

Sometimes you stumble across a shy one

When all the urinals are free

They scuttle into the traps

Afraid someone will see their willy..perhaps

So this is where the big boys hang out

Oh no someone is trying to be witty

Do I respond and start a conversation 

A humorous retort a little ditty

Which may affect my concentration

To have and to hold or not is the question 

For me to pee without any hands

Is quite simply a ridiculous suggestion

There’d be no control, could go in any direction

But there are some confident blokes

Stood legs apart hands on hips

Puffing away on their smokes

With me wishing it would get caught in their zips

I don’t know whether it’s an age thing

But sometimes I find it difficult

To know how much to shake

To avoid the tell tale marks 

Just as I’m about to put it away

An embarrassing encore it makes

To make me bloody wish 

I’d taken my time, a few more shakes

To avoid covering my pants with piss. 


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