No Room For Zoom


iPad ready sat on sofa in living room

Debating whether we’re using FaceTime or Zoom

Our tablets balanced on a table precariously 

Are you’re happy with that angle seriously?

It takes a time to make the connection

Wife wipes down the device for fear of infection

After a while they come into view

I think they’ve already had a few

They mutter something like can you hear me

Then do a bottoms up and a hi five...virtually

We sit together like on Mr and Mrs

It’s not long before the men are off for their pisses

Wine bottle well hidden not in view

It’ll be harder to tell that we’ve had a few too

Spielberg’ll have a duck fit when we slip out of frame

Happens loads when there’s a hint of a game 

We sweat a lot at the thought of the pub quiz spot

But cheat on our phones just out of shot! 

Women whinge at the blokey buddy banter

Complain that in lockdown her man doesn’t understand her

The girls witter as the blokes look bored

When talking about football the lads get ignored. 

The call degenerates as we get more pissed

Start recalling best films like the Exorcist 

Try to remember that great box set

That she thought was great but he didn’t get

We laugh at jokes that in the morning won’t be funny

And boast about how we’re saving so much money.

Remember laughing at old comics like Tony Slattery

But the night ends abruptly when we run out of battery. 


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