Men’s Toilet Etiquette
What is the protocol of a urinal
When there are only three
Do I pee in the middle one
Or do I choose the far left
Or take the far right option
When every other one is taken
Do I try to squeeze in between
At the danger of nudging another
Creating an unwanted scene
And what is it with blokes with belts
Who proceed to fully undo them
Is it so large that they need the space
To position their massive manhood in place
Well all I know I’m tell you now
For them to finally finish
Do up their belt and leave the WC
It takes a bloody eternity
No good when you’re busting to go
When stood patiently crossed legged in the queue
Now there’s another bugbear of mine
When you get a multi-tasker
Able to hold Percy in one hand
While texting on the phone with the other
How do they do it, I just don’t know
If it were me I’m sure I’d lose control
And miss the porcelain and dribble on my toe
Sometimes you stumble across a shy one
When all the urinals are free
They scuttle into the traps
Afraid someone will see their willy..perhaps
So this is where the big boys hang out
Oh no someone is trying to be witty
Do I respond and start a conversation
A humorous retort a little ditty
Which may affect my concentration
To have and to hold or not is the question
For me to pee without any hands
Is quite simply a ridiculous suggestion
There’d be no control, could go in any direction
But there are some confident blokes
Stood legs apart hands on hips
Puffing away on their smokes
With me wishing it would get caught in their zips
I don’t know whether it’s an age thing
But sometimes I find it difficult
To know how much to shake
To avoid the tell tale marks
Just as I’m about to put it away
An embarrassing encore it makes
To make me bloody wish
I’d taken my time, a few more shakes
To avoid covering my pants with piss.
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