The Retired Bloke

Yesterday Lesley and I visited one of our favourite places on earth; The Yorkshire Park. We go at least once a season.  Even without the sculptures the park is beautiful and changes with each season.  When the sculptures are added to the experience it is truly a unique place. There is a large sign in the restaurant stating that The Times said it was probably the best sculpture park in the world. I am not an authority on the subject but I wouldn’t argue with them.  Open Art Surgery Breathtaking beauty envelops you Draws you into another world The rhythm of nature merges with sculpture Overloading the human senses The seasons come and go Painting a unique back cloth to colossal creations Mystery and surprise around each corner Ambushing all those who search for inspiration An escape from day to day deliberation A place for any generation The Yorkshire Sculpture Park! 

Last night Lesley and I finished watching the final episode Breaking Bad. In the space of about three weeks we have watched what must be over 75 episodes. It is ironic that this series is about crystal meths and we were totally hooked! It is one of the best dramas we have ever watched...but we need a break from binge watching and get back to The Chaser!!!! Bingeing on Boxsets Curled up on the couch Bingeing on a box set Regular life is set on hold Weight increasing ouch! Feels like I’m addicted One after another they come Unable to turn the off switch Regular life restricted Characters become so real Extended family members See deep into their soul Emotion you can feel  Then end feels like a death A gaping hole in life Time to get back to reality And finally catch my breath

Yesterday Lesley wanted to buy a winter coat. She wanted one that could stand up to Arctic conditions.  She decided after wandering around the local department store that TK Maxx was the answer. I wasn’t so sure. There seems to me to be two retailers that we frequent where you never get what you went in for...but often come out with tons of stuff you didn’t even know you wanted...TK Maxx and Ikea. Well today’s poem is looselay based on yesterday’s experience; Search the Racks at TK Maxx There’s all sorts of stuff on the racks At the upmarket jumble sale TK Maxx Rows upon rows of last seasons stuff There’s no end to the searching To the aimless rummaging Of shirts and pants Of potted plants Of electronic gadgets Gaudy plaid jackets Finding what you want is always tough So tough I often lose the will  The will to find my way to the till With any flippin’ goods to buy My patience is very much in short supply The only shop that instils such fear Is my old adversary bloody Ikea. 

Not sure what sparked my reflective mood this morning...maybe it was a picture of me, that Lesley took last night, when I returned from football training with me wearing a hoodie. I have got to admit that it was not the most flattering picture. I guess it got me thinking that the time for comfortably wearing hoodies has past me by... So today’s poem is a reflection on life...the picture above shows four generations of my family. My grandma, my mum, me and Emily. (Matthew doesn’t like his image on social media!) What if.... What if we could turn back the clock? Live our life with lessons learnt Fulfil dreams that passed us by Appreciate fully earth and sky What if we could be that boy again? Living free, no cares in the world Exciting experiences fresh and new No predication, an innocent view What if we could be that young man again? Full of energy, passion and desire For a future of endless possibilities Devoid of debilitating responsibilities  What if we could be that new husband agai

As I post this blog I am sat in Costa Coffee at Huddersfield Royal Infirmary. I am waiting for Lesley to have a blood test. As always it is interesting people watching. My poem today captures a five minute period whilst sat here... Costa  Cupping my coffee  At Costa Coffee Watching people Normal people Some in deep conversation Others sitting all alone Some waiting patiently Some passing the time of day Watching life pass them by A lady with her latte Skimming through the dailies A businessman delving Deep into his attaché  A family meeting With baby bawling Others trawling through Social Media Phone in hand fixated, Isolated in their own little world A couple share a precious moment Gently she strokes her coffee cup Lovingly he stares into her eyes Old and young are gathered today It’s interesting to watch the world at play! 

I’m undecided whether I like going to the barbers or not. I have found a place in Brighouse that is a cheap no frills experience. When you have as little hair as me it seems pointless going to a fancy place  to reorganise my three remaining hairs. It won’t be long until I pass the responsibility over to Lesley to do the deed. But for now Whiteheads it will be... Today’s poem is loosely based on my visit this morning.... Hair Today and Gone Tomorrow My locks are getting long Well those that still belong That haven’t fallen out If only more would sprout I’m sat here in the barbers Between two youths in their Parkers Flicking through pages of the Sun Glancing at page three just for fun “Whose next” she calls unenthusiastically  Glancing at each other almost apologetically  “I think it’s me?”I meekly call Questioning whether it’s me at all No one challenges my place in the queue I’m told to sit in the middle pew “What’s it going to be today?” “Do your best” is all I can say “Short at the s

I was being ‘down with the kids’ yesterday listening to Capital Radio. I still like chart music but it is the links that I am starting to find tedious. I know this is an age thing and that every generation has their own language. However there was one link where to the older generation would sound like mumbo jumbo (by the way would kids know what mumbo jumbo was?).  He was promoting a competition to go to the Jingle Bells Ball. He said wouldn’t it be great for your instastory to be there. Wouldn’t it be bad to see it on someone elses’s instastory. The bit that got me though was when he said “can you die from FOMO?” I am guessing you have always got pretty ill from digesting washing powder!! Well I looked up FOMO and you may already know but it is the fear of  missing out on something on Instagram or other social media.  Well this inspired today’s poem: FOMO There’s a fear Not of spiders Or heights Or snakes in the grass Not of public speaking Confined spaces Dentists or darkness There’

Last night I had one of those where I felt restless throughout and didn’t get a good night’s sleep.....  A Tale of the Night My heart quickens  Fear is heightened I look behind I see no one  But there is someone there Creeping in the shadows Catching every breath I take I hide in darkened doorways Paralysed with foreboding Footsteps resonate  From nearby streets Closer and closer Twist or stick Do I run Or remain In the cover of darkness Confused and frightened I stay perfectly still Awaiting my fate Is it too late? Am I going to meet  My maker? Suddenly without warning I am shaken  From my slumber Are you ok darling?

This week the weather has continued to be miserable in Huddersfield. This has seriously curtailed the runs Lesley and I have been on together. However yesterday I decided to try and persuade her to go for a run in the wood in the rain.  It took a lot of persuasion, however, as you can see, the Rocky character in the background of the photo is Lesley. I managed it. She quite enjoyed it, eventually! Running in the Rain It’s a pain My Mrs Won’t run in the rain Chances of a shower Won’t step out Nothing in my power Will get her moving Even when  Her hair needs doing Maybe she thinks A bit of water And she shrinks Frankly I’m frustrated When I run in the rain I feel alive, full of life, elated I’m going to get her out Even if it kills me Can’t wait for the drought!

Yesterday just as the weather turned cold, our heating packed in. Thankfully we have a British Gas contract and all it took was just a click on my phone and the engineer was booked for him to come same day. This poem was written whilst he was trying to sort it out...and no I didn’t read it to him!! Boiler Blues It’s f...f...f...freezing With no sodding heating Huddled together In bloody cold weather When temperatures get colder Bang goes my boiler Never a warning Shut down this morning My teeth are chattering My wife is nattering To get someone here to sort it  “A gas man, preferably quite fit” Waiting for him to arrive We’re barely alive A knock on the door Don’t want to be cold anymore He strides into the hall With toolbox and all “Cold weather today!” “No shit Sherlock” I say He comes in to investigate Gives me the prognosis straight “I think your valve is faulty” “Would you like a cup of tea?” “Yes milk and 2 sugars please” “Please be quick it’s only 2 degrees” No time later the m

The weather in Huddersfield was horrible yesterday. It is not very often that we decide to stay indoors for the whole day. Yesterday was one of those days.  I have got to admit that I like to be active and being cooked up at home is not my ideal way to spend the day. I find it really difficult to relax and don’t like having too much opportunity to think. Like a lot of people, I guess, my mind starts playing tricks. I would like just to be able to relax with a good book and be comfortable doing nothing occasionally.  Relax? Why can’t I relax? Stop my mind turning Whirring with thoughts Of disparate dimension Why can’t I relax? Stop feeling agitated Buzzing in motion A dire disposition Why can’t I relax? Stop my pulse racing Chatter in my head An irrational emotion Why can’t I relax? Take a deep breath Nullify the negative A positive inclination

Yesterday I went with my mates on a bike ride to Marsden via a two mile hill up to Crosland Moor. Before setting off I decided to give my tyres a little more air than normal. Well I couldn’t believe the difference. Normally I am just looking forward to getting home and crash out exhausted.  Yesterday it felt like I had an electric motor on board. I hadn’t enjoyed a bike ride so much for years. It made me think what a difference a little more air made. Pumped Up!! I felt as though I was flying through the air Without a care in the world Trees and hedges  Passed in a blur Hills seemed flatter Slopes seemed faster I could raise my eyes From endless grey tarmac Take in the mist Far back in the distance Have the breath To engage in light chatter On subjects irrelevant Really didn’t matter But the freedom felt liberating Almost exhilarating  To a point where I didn’t want it to end I couldn’t comprehend The incredible difference  The lack of feeling Of trudging thro

On Sunday Lesley and myself, together with our friends Lynn and Ian, went for a walk alongside the canal at Marsden. We stopped off at Crumbles on the Corner for a bite to eat.  Turkey in a tea cake took our eye.  It was a proper Yorkshire dish with plenty of gravy. We had a conversation about the regional variations when it comes to naming the simple bread cake.   I remember one of my early duties when working for Halifax Building Society, back in the early eighties, was to go for the Assistant Manager’s sandwich at Skelton’s on Carr Lane in Hull.  He was not from round these parts, and asked for a ham sandwich in a tea cake. Being one ready to please, I followed his request to the letter, and brought him back his ham sandwich in a tea cake. He didn’t seem to be impressed by the fact that the tea cake was full of currants! He should have asked for a bread roll! It got me thinking.... Dough!!! Life can take its toll Without a simple bread roll Can certainly be crap Without but

At the back of our house there is a wood.  At this time of the year it is always interesting how one solitary leaf clings on when others have deserted. My latest poem...a metaphor of the current political landscape?  You decide! Clinging On Clinging courageously  To the branch of the tree In the autumn breeze A leaf like trapeze Waiting for the final moment The final component Of the summer past One we all hoped would last The hazy autumn sun shines A spotlight that defines The last leaf’s outstanding beauty But even then there is a duty To fall into line with grounded others A show of solidarity, nature’s brothers A single breath is all it took For the final leaf to fall into the brook. 

I started my working life in a supermarket, long before scanning. Tonight we did our weekly shop and despite years of trying to get used to self scanning I still get frustrated at what should be a quicker process. Well in my case it seems to take an age. Well anyway here’s my latest rant/poem.  Problem in the bagging area Why is it when I shop? I’ve got unexpected items In my bagging area I tell you what they’re not unexpected But carefully selected Items on my shopping list I get really pissed When I can’t find the code Or have to scan a load Of loose items  Which have to be found  On the shops computer Where is that Danish Pastry? None of the pictures  Seem to match I thought these things Were self service Well if they are my  Name is Elvis My light flashes so often Who needs Tinder When there’s always Wander Hovering around  To check your age Twenty flashes later I’m in a right rage This bloody process Is taking an age Finally the last item is scanned The benefits of this rigmarole

I believe it’s a good thing that in recent years society has become more open to discussing mental health. It probably affects more of us than any other illness. This poem I wrote some time back when I was in a reflective mood.  The Script Sleep walking through life Never even noticing Even when cut by a knife Always numb never sensitive  To compliments uttered by his wife Retreating silently into solitude Never hearing simple sounds Showing emotion, never moved  Always self selecting the wrong tone Never quite in the right mood. Some may say self centred Always focusing on oneself  Sometimes feeling misrepresented  When there are best intentions  Never feeling whole nor contented.  Life is full of conflict  Pulling in opposite directions  Never easy never ever licked  Facing into momentous challenge Rarely if ever sticking to the script. 

I’m on a bit of a roll...another nostalgic look at Hull. Maybe it’s an age thing!! Today I am looking back to the endless nights spent waiting for a taxi in shirt sleeves in the middle of the winter. This was the norm in Hull following nightclubs chucking out at 2:00am. One of our favourites was Romeo and Juliet’s (pictured). Anyway here’s today’s poem.  Chucking out time Flocking onto the street Nightclub revellers slightly worse for wear Struggling to keep on their feet Some being sick holding back their hair Shirt sleeved shivering Standing by the taxi rank Some couples bickering In doorways of the local bank Queued up at the Bun in Oven Waiting for a cone of chips Not one or two a dozen Girls in frocks and little slips Lingering notes of cheap perfume To move along was the norm To displays of fires in the gas showroom Where miraculously they kept us warm Our taxis took an age to come Life was never ever dull A night on the town was so much fun The centre

Continuing with yesterday’s theme of nostalgia, today I am reminiscing about how we passed our time when we were young. One of the highlights of my childhood (I know this is sad) was when I finally found some old pram wheels and was able to make my first bogie. Kids gained some kudos in the neighbourhood if they had a well made bogie. We used to have races and terrorise pedestrians. (Not intentionally of course!). There was always an argument as to who was going to push and who was going to steer the front wheels with the bit of rope. For those not from Hull a tenfoot was an alley at the back of the terraced houses. Anyway here’s today’s poem about my bogie... Playing on my bogie Fun for me When I was young Was playing on a bogie A fruit box, plank A piece of rope And four wheels from a pram We took it in turns To be the driver With a friend  To do the pushing Best thing  Was when we found a hill That feeling of elation Speeding perilously Dangerously, irresponsibly

I am being a bit nostalgic today. I am not sure why but I started remembering the shopping trips into town when I was a boy living in Hull. We used to go on the number 14 bus from Bricknell Avenue. I always went on the top deck amongst the smokers. Well anyway here’s my trip down memory lane: Shopping with my Mum It was quite an occasion Going to town Dressed to the nines  In my Oxford Bags With buttons aplenty Platform soles shoes Big jumbo collars I was only going with my mum But if felt so exciting  We got on the number 14 It was a blue and white  Corporation double decker You could smoke on top deck Not that I was old enough But seeing the Avenues From such a lofty position I felt like a king.  My mum always had her list Errands and pressies And the odd treat for me I used to follow her Around shop after shop Bustling with folk Clutching their bags She used to love Hammonds A great department store She occasionally splashed out Lunch at Picadish yippee A plate of chips and baked be

Like others I have been touched by the events to commemorate the 100th anniversary of Armistace. I wanted to put in words what it meant to me.  Armistice I tried to write about Armistice But found I haven’t the vocabulary To express the emotion felt by the nation Much better scribes than me Have described in incredible detail How ordinary men fell Defending the freedom of a nation A nation with which I am incredibly proud  To be a descendant of those brave men Who must never be forgotten Nor lost their lives in vain For peace and freedom Must be  Everyone’s ultimate aim

Here’s my prayer for all the runners out there.  Runners’ Prayer I pray today won’t be too windy Too hot, too cold or too sunny I pray to avoid an excuse as to why I can’t be bothered to go out today I pray that I have courage to join a running club I hope my new shiny trainers don’t rub.  I pray that I am properly hydrated To avoid feeling a little light headed I pray that I haven’t drunk to much you see I’d hate to have to furtively pee behind a tree I pray my gel will not make my hands too sticky That the gradients are manageable, not too tricky I pray that I can soon get in my stride  Start feeling fine not feeling too tired  I pray that every step will be better than the last Maintain the pace be fairly fast  I pray that I will last the course A run with my wife won’t end in divorce  I pray that I won’t suffer again, plantar fasciitis  A painful injury it certainly is!  I pray that I will have a PB However hard you try there’s no guarantee  I pray I do not get runners’ nipple Look

Today I think I am having a Victor Meldrew moment. Is it only me or does anyone else get infuriated by the overuse of the word “super” nowadays. This is particularly prevalent on chat shows where stars are “super excited” about whatever they’re doing. Just how excited is super excited? Is this more or less than “very” excited?  Super As I write this poem I’m super excited In fact I’m super delighted More than that I’m super ecstatic  Sometimes I can be super erratic But today I’m super happy  As opposed to being super snappy Watched a movie super sad A killer at large super bad Feeling super dapper in my Super Dry Eating fish and chips following my super fry Now I’m feeling super uneasy Feeling rather super queasy At the overuse of the word super Poem finished Super duper. 

A few days ago I said I was an occasional drinker. Well I have to admit that I am a social drinker. However we have been doing a lot of socialising recently! I decided for health reasons that I needed a break. So I decided to have a few alcohol free days. I managed 4 days. Last night we were back on the town with friends. Liver working overtime again!!  Drying Out I’m drying out I’m crying out  For another beer I have this fear I won’t last the week I’m sure I’ll be weak Succumb to the need Poor form indeed For a little bevvy Can’t have too many Else I’ll be in the dog house A little lecture from my spouse “Come on love you can refrain You’ll only have yourself to blame!”

Today I am feeling a little more reflective. Retirement has been a big change in my life as it is for most people. In the last year it is fair to say I have had my ups and downs. Recently though I feel that have come to terms with my new life and a feeling of inner peace.  Inner Peace Searching for inner peace Tantalisingly close But often out of reach A wish for calmness to descend To lift life’s pressures Ease the burden on people we depend Be accepting of our uniqueness  To be what we are To live life free and worry less. 

I get really stressed when I am late, as I was last night to watch Manchester City in the Champions League. Everything conspired against us; upturned trucks, terrible sat nav, picking the wrong car park. We were only five minutes late but for me it felt as though the world had ended. Obviously John Cleese’s Clockwise is my favourite film!! On Time I really hate to be late For an important date When it has to be eight I simply won’t wait To set off early no debate To arrive on time that is fine Ten minutes early that’s divine Five minutes late now that’s a crime I know this issue is simply all mine I have a thing about being on time.  

After a fantastic long weekend it was back to normality and the weekly shop. In order to save a few pennies we shop at Aldi. This makes sense unless you are drawn to the centre aisle. All the money you save can evaporate in one purchase of something you didn’t even know you needed. (And when you get it home realise you didn’t!!) Annoying Attraction Attracting like a magnet Doing nothing, just waiting To slowly draw you in As hard as you try And god you try It’s always there Beckoning you Resisting is pointless It’s like an annoying habit  Irresistible but irritating  Never quite the same Always something new Luring you into its grasp.  It’s no good the temptation is too great You have to go and see The jumbled goods for sale In the centre aisle at Aldi!!

  In the scheme of things it’s not the biggest disaster in the world but this morning my coffee machine stopped working. Lesley said it would be good for the environment with less pods being thrown away. I’m just missing my caffeine hit! Broken Coffee Maker Today our coffee maker broke I feel that I am a broken bloke Nothing to pep me up this morning It feels as though I’m mourning The instant feeling of being alive Especially after four or five!   I feel as miserable as I can be I suppose I’ll have to resort to tea! 

We have spent a brilliant couple of days in Oxford. We were very fortunate to be able to climb Magdalen Tower and have a birds eye view of this wonderful and historic city. Last night we were able to attend the formal dinner in the Hall at Magdalen with my nephew. This was an atmospheric candle lit black tie dinner. One I won’t ever forget...very Harry Potter!! Oxford Spires steeples and bustling streets Quiet corners where couples meet Bikes with bells ringing  Choirs cheerfully singing In cafe bars society chatters Current affairs and everyday matters Bow ties scarves and college colours Students away from their sisters and brothers   This is a place of learning For those educated, the quite discerning  This is a city of tradition Of academia and ambition.  This is Oxford. 

For someone who is only an occasional drinker this has been quite a week. Unlike earlier in the week, a dinner last night in Manchester, culminated in the hangovers of all hangovers this morning. Not Again!! The banging of my head As I lay here in my bed Signals it was a good night However this is despite  Not really remembering  The finer details surrounding What got me to this point I’m hoping I didn’t disappoint My wife with my behaviour  Toast and tea my saviour When I poured into the house Failing to be as quiet as a mouse This was a not again night Where next time I might Show a little more self control To drink a lot less my goal. 

Today’s poem is about those “quick pints” in a pub which turn into an all nighter.   Just The One Let’s just have the one Rest our feet for a while Savour that first sip God that was so good That first turns into a second Soon our glasses are empty Shall we have an other? Yes just one more Chatter is free warm  And comforting Spirits high, banter good Shall we have another?  Jokes are now filling the air Much funnier than before Knowing smiles with adjacent tables Almost knee jerk automatic Shall we have another? Life is now so much more fluid Innermost thoughts out in the open Dissected by amateur psychiatrists Slowly starting to feel a little pissed  We know we shouldn’t But show no restraint  Shall we have another? Quickly the clarity Fades like a mist descending Retreating into my own little world Which instantly starts spinning Oh god what have we done We were only meant to have the one! 

Yesterday it was a stunning autumn day. We decided to go for a walk from Wells Next to the Sea to Holkham Beach. It was a most beautiful experience.  Almost Heaven.  Beautiful bright beach huts Each one deliciously different Standing like a guard of honour To those basking in the Autumn glow.  Pines protect from prevailing winds As Seasiders stroll on shell speckled sand A wonderful walk to Holkham Beach  Where heaven feels almost within reach.